GALANG GALANG - WTF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! SAY HELLO TO "TERRORIST CHIC" After Margaret Cho's shitty sitcom failed to catapult her to the level of stardom to which she so desperately aspired, the tragically unfunny comedienne went on a multi-year sabbatical during which time she doubled, then halved, her body weight. By the time she emerged newborn from her adipose cocoon, Cho had ditched her vapid brand of race-based shtick in favor of a new, "edgier" persona. The iconography of her 2003 "Cho Revolution" tour was heavily influenced by the familiar image of Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara, star of two generations' worth of college dorm posters and unlicensed street vendor t-shirts. This year, Cho has one-upped herself with "The Assassin Tour", which appropriates the volatile imagery of the Symbionese Liberation Army. On the tour poster, Cho strikes the infamous "Tanya" pose of brainwashed kidnap victim Patty Hearst while standing in front of the SLA's hydra sigil. Topping it all off, Cho decided to name her new puppy after Gudrun Ensslin, leader of the 70's terrorist organization, the Baader-Meinhof Gang. So... what is it, exactly, about Cho's new comedic direction that would merit and/or require her to adopt such loaded language and imagery? In her own words: "The show is less about any kind of assassination -- well, I guess it's assassinating ideas that I don't believe in, things like homophobia and racism and sexism. So those are things that I target." In other words, Cho's new material is about as "revolutionary" as an average episode of Will and Grace. It's enough to make you wonder whether her rebirth as the "Queen of All Homos" had less to do with a newfound impulse to speak Truth to Power, and more to do with finding a more receptive audience for her predictable, lame-ass routines. After all, laughing is easy when your synapses are soaking in amyl nitrate. When it comes to the shameless and thoughtless pilaging of violent political iconography, however, Cho's got nothing on British electro-pop sensation M.I.A., aka Maya Arular. The expat daughter of Sri Lankan revolutionary leader Arular -- also the name of her debut album -- M.I.A. has combined Jamaican dance-hall gibberish, infectious samples and beats, sub-continental sex appeal and a heavy dose of Tamil Tiger imagery to become one of 2005's most hyped critical darlings. In her videos, M.I.A. is equal parts sneering seductress and street-fighting Third Worlder. Many of her dance moves involve miming the use of weapons, like when she pumps an invisible shotgun, or randomly fires a pair of invisible handguns into the air. In the video for Bucky Done Gun, she repeatedly pulls an invisible pin from an invisible grenade with her teeth, then tosses it into the audience. Basically, M.I.A. comes across like the illegitimate love child of Neneh Cherry and Osama bin Laden, but that hasn't prevented Rolling Stone Magazine, The New Yorker and everyone in between from singing her praises and gushing over the political implications of her jangly ditties. So anyway, this mini-boom in terrorist chic got yer old pal Jerky thinking about one of his old sitcom ideas. All you television executives out there, if you've got the juice to make this happen, the time is NOW! Strike while the iron is hot, motherfuckers! Are you ready? Here's the pitch: It's called First Born Sons, and it's about an all-male immigrant family from Egypt. The focus would be on how this working-class father, son and grandfather (all named Mohammed) deal with the daily realities of post-911 America. The action would revolve around four locations: father Mohammed's I.T. workplace, young Mo's Poli-Sci class (which is taught by a hard-line neo-conservative ideologue), the convenience store that grandfather Papi runs out of the front of their downtown home, and the local mosque. Many interesting secondary and recurring characters could be explored. The store could be robbed by the same incompetent theives every month or so. All sorts of fun could be had. There are three reasons why I think First Born Sons would make a compelling and audience-grabbing show. First, there are so many hidden ironic meanings in the title alone, it's scary. Second, it creates a much-needed opportunity to poke fun at the contemporary political situation. The time has come for a return to timely, daring satire in an All In the Family vein. The third reason why I think First Born Sons would be a hit is because I have a kick-ass idea for the final episode. In this episode, filmed before a live studio audience, Mo would be under investigation after being accused of taking part in a terrorist plot against his professor. Much to the shock of the audience, when they get a moment alone, Mo confesses to his father and grandfather that the charges are true. Even more shocking, the father would start praising his son's actions! At that point, all three would remove their jackets, exposing vests of dynamite. As the first screams start to rip through the audience, the actors trigger an explosion, killing hundreds. Just think of the ratings! *** **** *** Yer Old Pal Jerky's Words of Wisdom #314: For the generations that came before us, life was dog eat dog. Today, it's the other way around. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 24 On this day in 1922, Iowa's Christian K. Nelson files a patent on Eskimo Pie. By 1945, after over-hunting had severely depleted Eskimo stocks, Nelson was forced to alter his recipe and use Samoans, instead. Nobody notices the difference. On this day in 1952, a fire breaks out in the main building of the French Port Martin Antarctic base. Scientists stationed there enjoy the warmth while it lasts. On this day in 2003, the Department of Homeland Security -- a cabinet-level version of the previously "independent" Office of Homeland Security -- officially opens its doors. Among its many contributions to the "security" of the "Homeland", probably the two most familiar are the infamous color-coded terror alert system and the unintentionally hilarious Ready.gov website, which provided us with vital advice on how to survive a nuclear explosion ("consider if you can get out of the area"), or a chemical attack ("cover your mouth and nose with layers of fabric that can filter the air but still allow breathing").

THEY SAID IT! "In acquiescing to the unwarranted demand of the Justice Department to pore over the companies' records, AOL, Yahoo and Microsoft are sliding down a slippery slope, unconvincingly claiming that the data dump to the feds has no implications for online privacy. Does anybody think they won't cooperate if the government comes back and asks for IP addresses -- your computer's unique signature on the Web -- for everybody who dared type in a questionable search like growing marijuana or fertilizer bombs?" - Veteran journalist Robert Scheer wants to know why the Bush administration wants to know why an old goat like him is still so horny for Victoria's Secret models. *** **** *** "UCLA STUDENTS: Do you have a professor who just can't stop talking about President Bush, about the war in Iraq, about the Republican Party, or any other ideological issue that has nothing to do with the class subject matter? It doesn't matter whether this is a past class, or your class from this coming winter quarter. If you help expose the professor, we'll pay you for your work." - Conservative UCLA graduate Andrew Jones has launched the Bruin Alumni Association, which offers cash money for class notes, handouts and lecture recordings. For more on how you can take advantage of this cutting-edge opportunity in "McCarthy capitalism", check out this report.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by N8Possibilities! Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Etna Fred for sending in today's second joke. President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit a Methodist Church outside Washington D.C. Karl Rove made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint." The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it." Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily: "George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar,a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.' He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people. He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known. But compared to Dick Cheney, George Bush is a saint." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Seneca Pilot. Q: What does a 90 year old beaver teaste like? A: Depends!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: DENNIS MILLER care of: YOPGessier MOP Jerky, Yes, we’ve all known for quite some time now that Dennis Miller is a turncoat, but that in no way diminishes my disbelief and disappointment in this betrayal. He’s more full of shit than the port-a-potty at the Ex-Lax test lab. Well, at least he made an attempt to justify some of his bullshit, that is, of course, if you read between the lines. The remark about being "older now and more focused"? Translation, he knows what side his bread is buttered on, so he won’t bite the hands that are feeding his well fed fat face and stroking what’s left of his depleted ego. Which is why he did not address any of those major issues he itemized in the ad leading up to this 60-minute-waste-of-my-fucking-time. He didn’t mention FEMA nor the GOP for the ball-drop that was Katrina. He didn’t even bother to mention the names of GOP party members who are being investigated or have been brought up on charges. Instead, he made targets of Al Sharpton and Howard Dean. The only thing Sharpton is guilty of is not giving Don King grooming tips! The absolute worse thing he could’ve done was to applaud Dubya’s shitheadedness, boldly stating that the terrain on which we currently find ourselves deployed is best navigated by a concrete-thinking dumb-ass who shoots first and never bothers to ask any questions at any time, in lieu of the analytically minded John Kerry, who just might figure some shit out. No, of course we can’t have a president who can figure shit out, that’s too much like efficiency! Jerky, back when he was on top of his game, not even in my wildest hallucinations could I’ve ever envisioned Dennis Fucking Miller giving the likes of Dubya a verbal blow-job on national TV and then spitting the cocaine and alcohol laden man-sap® into the face of the viewing collective and wiping off his salty lips with my cable bill! However, I must note that he looked as though he didn’t even believe the bullshit he was espousing. He had the look of someone who didn’t read the fine print of his contract until well after he’d sold his soul to Satan, then realized he was obligated, for all eternity, to make a complete and utter ass of himself by echoing the sentiments of a moron. No global warming? Okay, well, I guess it’s just as difficult to read as it is to hear the radio if your head’s firmly and deeply planted in your ass. Under those circumstances, you would subsequently miss, if not deliberately dismiss all pertinent evidence to the contrary. And the remarks about energy? In discussing oil drilling in Alaska and doing what’s necessary to obtain oil at any cost, it was painfully obvious to me that he was referring to Iraq. How can you make a comment like that about Alaska without referring to any other oil quest? Why am I so put off by this? Well, I view some comics as the Greek philosophers of the day, they make you laugh while raising public awareness or at the very least offering some commiserating comfort with regards to important social and political issues. The likes of Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Bill Maher, Richard Pryor, and of course, Dennis are/were among the best of the lot. To hear this group go after public officials or injustice in general is the verbal equivalent to a public lynching. And I’ve got to tell you, it’s more satisfying than a Snickers bar after a long hot session of hide the baloney. Okay, well, maybe not, but the point is made. This is not the time to lose a voice of reason when so few are available. I can accept the physical death of one of these voices, but not betrayal. I hated Reagan, but at least I had some understanding as to why some people liked him. There is no understanding as to why anyone would be loyal to this Pretender-‘n-Thief, least of all any one of the above stated names. Well, as far as I’m concerned, DM is officially dead, he dug his own grave, so I’m now throwing the Dirt (double entendre) on this cocksucker and moving on... so fuck him. On the lighter side of the news, not every voice of reason has been extinguished. We still have you, Jerky, and with Bill Maher being back on the air in a couple weeks, planetary realignment is eminent. The "old" DM would’ve wanted it that way. - YOPGessier [Thanks for the report. Now I don't feel so bad about missing it. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Jerky.... It may interest you to know that I went on Al-Jazeera myself and translated Bin Laden's Arabic into English. It took me over seven hours with my Arabic to English dictionary. It may also interest your readers to know that the direct translation of Osama Bin Laden's words were; "NEENER NEENER NEENER!" Cheers, Andy S. [Heheh. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I thought this time lapse montage of Busch Stadium being torn down was interesting. - Jerome [It was, and is. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky... I think this a great fucking idea. YOPGreg [In theory, so was communism. - Jerky] *** **** *** HEY J; Since all 3 or 4 of my email addresses won't allow the daily dirt into my life (i have to remember to go to dailydirt.com) why can't we sign up for dirtfiles? with other than hotmail, yahoo and whatever else i saw on the left side? i read it every day that my memory duzzint fail me. perhaps when i switch to DSL next month with a new ISP things will be different. Sure hope so. chet norris [It's not cost effective. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, Here come the robots! Dennis S [BRING IT ON!!! - Jerky] *** **** *** Ciaoi Jerky, Doesn't the message from Bin Laden come at a convenient time for the Bushies, to remind everyone he is still there and threatening the USA? One would almost think that Rummy called him up and said "We need a fear boost." Etna Fred [It's almost impossible not to have doubts. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, How the hell does Preznit Bush continue to be President. Aren't the Citizens of the US just a little more than concerned at the what is happening and will happen in the future? He is hellbent on picking a fight now with Iran. As if Iraq is not enough! Perhaps they are still in "Shock and Awe" (sic) I do know this: our Prime Minister (Johnny Howard) is on the skids! He is now up to his arse hole(s)* in crocodiles. They range from the Australian Wheat Board - Iraq oil/wheat scandal, ministers that have been incompetent, resigning, and even his own party members questioning his ideology. Gross (and inhumane) mistreatment of asylum seekers from all parts of the globe. Jackboot tactics in dealing with our own citizens here. There is heaps more... Steve from Brisbane [I guess white people are dumber than was previously believed. - Jerky] *** **** *** We own Dachshunds. One of the characteristics of Dachshunds is that they are constantly moving around or they are sleeping. No in between. I had always chalked it up to them being nervous little dogs with too much energy. Until this morning. As I sat in the kitchen, drinking my third cup of coffee, Erhardt, our oldest Dachshund was standing in front of me doing his usual little dance. He would move around a bit, stand still for a bit and then move again. It was then that I noticed that while he was supposedly in repose, in reality, his legs were slowly splaying apart under his weight on the slick wood floor. It then dawned on me that he wasn't dancing, he was trying to keep from falling on his face. How about that! Dave aka Brummbaer [Did you know they eat dogs in Korea? How about that! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com