CURRENT EVENTS RUNDOWN NEWS IN THE NEWS Former Bush administration official David "Cashback" Safavian -- whose job as chief procurement officer involved buying stuff for the federal government -- has been found guilty on four counts of lying about and covering up his dealings with disgraced Republican uber-lobbyist Jack Abramoff. Safavian, who will be sentenced in October, faces the possibility of 20 years behind bars. This might help explain why, as his last act on the job, he bought thirty thousand dollars' worth of patchouli-scented soap-on-a-roaps, and fifty palette-loads of triple-ply toilet paper, and seventy gallon-sized jugs of anal lube on behalf of the DC-area minimum security prison system. If you're a Congressman who is promoting a resolution declaring that every courthouse in the nation should prominently display the Ten Commandments, then you'd damn well better memorize those fuckers before agreeing to appear on The Colbert Report. Preznit Dubya's Coalition of the Dwindling is losing yet another member in the very near future, as Japanese Prime Minister Elvis Koizumi has announced the complete withdrawal of his nation's troops over the next two months. The departure of Japan's 600 troops from the relatively peaceful Samawah region isn't all bad news for fans of Iraq's illegal occupation, however, as it will free up the 600 American and British troops who were providing security to their Japanese partners -- who were prevented by Japan's pacifist-oriented post-WWII constitution from engaging in combat -- thus allowing them to do whatever it is that they're doing over there now, more than three years after the "Mission" was allegedly "Accomplished". If the South Pacific cargo cult known as the John Frum movement proves anything, it's that -- no matter how tiny or insignificant -- religions are just plain bad news. Great news on the medical front! We can now add artificial light to the seemingly endless list of things that can give you cancer, thus causing you to die one of nature's most miserable deaths. "Tumors are awake during the day," declares Dr. David Blask, who led the National Cancer Institute study, "and melatonin puts them to sleep at night. Add artificial light and cancer cells become insomniacs." So, basically, there are now only two ways to avoid cancer. Either you can build a time machine, go back to the days before humans evolved from monkeys and find a cave to dwell in (gotta keep out of the Sun!), or put both barrels of a shotgun in your mouth and pull the fucking trigger. What is the most important question we can ask about God? These people seem to think that they've come up with the answer to that age-old, albiet ridiculous, question. Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary Cheney has written a book about how the only bad thing about being Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter was when those mean old meanies John Kerry and John Edwards pointed out the fact that Dick Cheney has a lesbian daughter. Entitled Now It's My Turn, the tome has sold a pathetic six thousand copies so far, despite saturation media coverage prior to publication. This, in turn, has inspired someone to create a creepy Flash video entitled Who Will Cry for Mary Cheney? Who could have guessed that conservatives don't want to read about the exploits of a relatively well-adjusted lesbian? Oh, right… anybody who isn't a fucking RETARD. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY June 15 On this day in the year 1896, Japanese followers of the Shinto religion pick a really, really bad time to hold a beach party. As they pray and chant and do whatever it is Shinto believers do, a giant tidal wave rises up and crashes into the beach, killing over twenty-seven thousand people [!!! - Jerky] and injuring nine thousand more. I don’t know about you folks, but if yer old pal Jerky had survived such an event, he’d be giving some serious consideration to switching religions. On this day in 1924, the nation's native Americans are officially proclaimed citizens of the United States of America. And so yer old pal Jerky would just like to take a moment to wish a very happy Bitter Irony Day to all his native friends! On this day in 1969, CBS replaces the popular Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour -- which they cancelled for taking a stand against the Vietnam war -- with Hee Haw, featuring the hillbilly charms of Roy Clark and Buck Owens. The nation's collective IQ drops a total of five points before the first season is through. On this day in 2005, Terri Schiavo's autopsy results come in. After opening her up and having a look around, doctors discovered that 1) her cause of death was acute dehydration, 13 days after having her feeding tube removed; 2) there was no evidence whatsoever that her husband was abusing her, as some of the freakier Jesus Freaks in this debacle had alleged; and 3) Terri had indeed lost more than 50% brain volume during her fifteen years in a persistent vegetative state. *** **** *** ONE YEAR AGO IN THE DIRT: LYNCHING RECONSIDERED You might think that if there was one subject on which the United States Senate could speak with a unanimous, nonpartisan voice, it would be lynching. So when Senator Mary Landrieu (D-La) proposed a resolution that the Senate apologize for more than a century of failure to enact anti-lynching legislation -- a century during which nearly five thousand people were hanged or burned by vigilante mobs -- she probably expected most, if not all, of her fellow Senators to sign on. In the end, one-sixth did not. Senate majority leader Bill Frist (R-Cat killer) even went so far as to deny repeated requests for a roll call vote on the non-binding resolution. This gave 15 of Frist's fellow Republican Senators cover, and allowed them to register their disapproval without giving Democrats video footage of them voting "nay" because it might piss off some voters in their Klan-rich constituencies. Now, yer old pal Jerky is nothing if not thoughtful. When I encounter allegedly intelligent people who are on the opposite side of an issue that seems perfectly obvious and clear-cut to me, I do my utmost to try and understand their point of view. After all, 15 US Senators (and a big chunk of the unreconstructed Deep South) can't all be wrong! So I gave this issue some serious thought, and in so doing came up with… The TOP 13 NICE THINGS about LYNCHING! 13. Helps foster community spirit. 12. Boosts rope sales. 11. Builds character in young witnesses. 10. Freaks out sissy liberals. 9. Offers town elders a chance to show off their knot-tying skills. 8. Royalties from postcard sales. 7. Scarier than the scariest horror movie you'll ever see. 6. Helps reduce law enforcement budget by cutting out the middle man. 5. Provides misanthropes with irrefutable proof that humans are scum. 4. Notorious "hangin' tree" equals big tourist dollars. 3. Promotes traditional Heartland vigilante values. 2. The smell of burning hair, roast pork and kerosene. 1. The look in their eyes just before they die.

THEY SAID IT! "The problem is not that the philosophy of this administration is not working the way it's supposed to work; the problem is that it is working the way it's supposed to work. They don't believe that government has a role in solving national problems because they think government is the problem. They think that we're better off if we just dismantle government; if, in the form of tax breaks, we make sure that everybody's responsible for buying your own health care and your own retirement security and your own child care and your own schools, your own private security forces, your own roads, your own levees. It is called the Ownership Society in Washington. But, you know, historically there has been another term for it; it's called Social Darwinism." - With this barn-burning speech, Senator Barak Obama (D-Illin') seems to be angling for a 2008 vice-presidential nomination... at least. *** **** *** "I think ultimately, of course, there are going to be pardons. These are the kinds of cases in which historically presidents have given pardons." - Republican lawyer/pundit (and one of the 100 People Who Are REALLY Screwing Up America) Joseph diGenova, begins laying the bullshit rhetorical groundwork for the pardon of traitorous White House scumbag Scooter Libby.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by David! Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "There's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, and that is when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal RW Sharp for sending in today's second joke. Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up... Then all the other bells started to ring. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Nasir... John, for heaven's sake, why can't you just talk to me once in awhile?" whined Mari. "Huh?" John responded. "Look around you!" she yells as she points around the room. "All these books. Your head is always buried in books. You don't even know I'm alive!" "Oh. I'm sorry." "You know, sometimes I wish I were a book. Then you'd at least look at me." "Hmmm," John mumbled in deep thought, "that's not a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN TEST care of: R.W. Sharp 1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet. 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay. 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag. 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases. 5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too. 6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious. 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat. 8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous c'est leGay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too. [Homophobia... it's what's for comedy! - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Re: CondiBush... Finally we have grounds for impeachment! Now if only some gutless reporter would ask some questions to get a denial... Aw shit, that's not scripted! Can't we muster one Demo Fundy, with the Gift to corrupt man's so-called understanding of a thing, that by definition can't be explained? That's the thing about faith; faith requires blind belief that your Religion is the perfect one and all others are not as correct or for the more extreme; wrong. Kinda gives one a built in deaf ear for any one that dares criticise or question motives. Too bad we don't have any demos that are quick witted and willing to rebuff neobabble, fuggin shleeple! I have to believe that there are too many Sleeper Neo's masquerading as Dems to prevent any sort of united front. Where are counter plans to anything? Simply saying the other side is wrong without offering an alternative is stupid. Stiff suit Kerry never offered more than 'his way would be different'. I had the misfourtune of having a former Bush White House intern as my boss! Reason was met with a glassy stare until she could sing-song the same babble over and over again. Fear not tho' pal, my God saved me and got me fired for saying "Damn", as in; "I can't hear a damn thing you're saying." First time I was ever fired.... 'twas a blessing! John [Glad you survived it. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; It's interesting comparing how Democrats and Republicans deal with the corrupt in their midst. (Short answer: we don't coddle our crooks. They do.) Matt [The problem with Republicans is they are constantly mistaking the beam in their own eye for a splinter in their brother's. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerkhead, I don't know you where You ignorance fat foolhead. I hope you die for insulting greatest of all Van Patten's year by year. You have no rights to slight Timothy great acting better than you ever. Birthday time for celebration not stupid insult know nothing. Jerk Face Fat Fuck Die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Salami was greatest ever. Pig Fucker. Best Van Patton, Timmothy always most respected, beloved, reverred, kindest, to all peoples. Die. Love, YOP Cardina [Watch for a full apology and retraction in an upcoming edition of the Daily Dirt. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Have you read Blowback or The Sorrows of Empire by Chalmers Johnson? I don't know if you have highlighted Johnson before in the Dirt? Both books were eye-opening and made a lot of sense to me and just confirmed my suspicions as to why Americans aren't liked around the world. Wolfbane [I read, and admired, Blowback. I own, but have yet to read, The Sorrows of Empire. A quick perusal of Google shows that I have name-checked Johnson on a number of occasions. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Check out the new "Tabby Tote" Cat Carrier... If you have a cat, you'll want one of these. Only $49.00! Andy [That's too expensive. I can build one myself for like nine bucks. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Now that he's dead, THEY want access to Jack Anderson's papers. They tell him they need to read them to see if national security will be compromised by them. The caretaker of the papers is telling them to BUGGER OFF! YOP, Bob [As well they should. Turning them over would be an outrage to that intrepid journalist's memory and legacy. Better they should be destroyed. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky: Here in sunny Florida, TPTB are trying to pass a law that prohibits smoking at the beaches. Imagine that!!!! Right now we Floridians are trying to find a place in Florida where smoking is allowed. They have banned it from restaurants, bars, public buildings and anywhere where second hand smoke cant get into someone else's space. My question is: Why in heaven's name don't they just ban tobacco products and declare it illegal like cocaine, marihuana and the like? It's getting to the point where smokers are damned if they smoke (can die of lung cancer or other diseases) and damned if they are caught smoking in public period!!!!! Tourist attractions like Disney and Universal are feeling the financial pinch already not to mention the Hospitality Industry. On top of that WTF is going to enforce this law?????? YOP MTR in Kissimmee, Florida [It's obvious The Powers That Be are trying to have their cigarettes and eat them, too. And, as with all social engineering laws, enforcement will be selective. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com